My Calorie-Counting-Obsession Has Impacted My Relationship With Food
The beautiful thing about counting calories is that I know what I am eating every day. Currently, I am eating 2100 calories daily to lose weight. This is great because I know that eating 2100 calories means I will lose weight when I weigh in on Sunday.
Buying a food scale and counting calories has sped up the weight loss process immensely. Once I figured out how to correctly calculate my TDEE and count calories with accuracy, the weight started coming off. While that is all fine and dandy, there is one major issue with my method: I can’t enjoy food anymore.
What I mean by this is that food is a number to me. If I need to eat 2100 calories to lose weight, eating something from a restaurant that is 1000 calories will. not. happen. The other day, I was craving a pound of wings. Then I saw the total calories being 1300 and I couldn’t order it. Eating over half of my daily allotment for calories on one meal that wouldn’t fill me up for the rest of the day fucked me up mentally.
Beer is no longer a social drink, it is empty calories (to me). I cringe at the thought of wasting 100+ calories of potential food on a drink. Anything high-calorie is off the table and I won’t eat it. Weight loss (and calorie counting) has ravaged my brain. It is literally all I think about. Maybe this is a rant, or cry for help — I am not sure. I just wanted to get off my chest that the accomplishments I post on social media hide struggles that I deal with behind the scenes. Even when going out to eat at a fast-food restaurant, I ensure that it fits my goals. Now, that’s fine, but holy fuck it would be nice to just order what I truly wanted. I lost over 120lbs for christ’s sake — I should be able to order what the hell I want once in a while.
I can’t enjoy high-calorie foods anymore. I know that once in a while is no issue and I believe that, but even thinking of eating something high-calorie means that it will hinder my progress (to me). Is this part of an eating disorder? Maybe? I am not sure.
My obsession with the journey has taken a toll on me mentally. Some of you may read this and will say, “just order the wings!” and I agree — I should. But as someone that was morbidly obese and felt real complications from poor weight management at a young age, I can never go back to that. I think I have developed healthy habits that will help me for the rest of my life. But weight loss sits at the front of my brain every single day. Of course, I am at fault for that. I post about weight loss consistently to help others that want to lose weight in silence.
I feel better writing about this. Will I order something high-calorie in the meantime? Probably not. If anything, this was something I needed to get off my chest and I thought it would make for a good blog. I wouldn’t change my journey because I think it helped mold me. I have always said that weight loss is a marathon and I was working on making life adjustments. I think I have done so, but as someone so close to reaching his goals, I just want to pig out on a meal.
Overall, it’s not that deep — I should just order a huge meal and eat. But then again, I am strict (and obsessed) with losing weight. The potential salt retention that will show on the scale is daunting because I don’t want my weight to go up. Sure, it will come down in 2–3 days of consistency right after, but I don’t even want to put myself in that situation where I need to wait to get back to where I once was.
As I write this out, I think I do have a slight problem. I preach that a “cheat meal” (god I hate that word) is good for you and that being 80% consistent will help you in the long run, but I say that because I don’t want people to deal with the same mental battles about weight loss that I have dealt with. I write this freely to show people when losing weight that the mental toll is a battle in itself and is one you need to win to lose weight. It’s impossible to be strict or perfect 100% of the time, yet I still try to be.
Maybe it’s because I have shown the world my journey in an attempt to help others that I don’t want to impede any progress.
I’ll end this blog quickly. I just have one more thing to say about weight loss: Don’t let it consume your life. I am getting better at not letting it affect me every day but there are days I wish I could have poutine but I just can’t. Not right now, at least. I realize I sound like a whiny bitch writing this but ultimately, I have turned down going out with friends to dinner and meals that sound tasty because I am too fixated on reaching my goals. Consistency and dedication are great, obsession is not.
To wrap this up, I am glad I wrote this; it felt freeing. I think this week I am going to have poutine or something that I want to eat without worrying about calories. For someone that has spent 2 years dedicating their time to losing weight, I think I owe it to myself.
As usual, thank you for reading. If you have any questions, comments or concerns feel free to write here or reach me via Twitter @patrick_trudeau.
