Opening Up About My Unsafe Weight Loss Practices

One of the worst pieces of advice I ever took about weight loss regarded eating. You know the old saying, ‘If you’re not hungry enough to eat an apple, you’re not hungry”? There are a lot of negative connotations with that message. First, to me, it implies that people would only eat apples because they are starving and not because they actually like the fruit. It also implies that eating apples isn’t necessarily enjoyable, it’s just healthy food that we need to endure to be healthy. This also made zero sense to me because I fucking hate apples. Of course I won’t eat an apple if I am hungry, I hate apples!

I also followed another piece of advice that spoiled my relationship with food. I remember being on Reddit and one tip was to only eat when you are hungry. I was thinking, ‘that makes sense.’ However, I didn’t know when I was truly hungry. Was my stomach supposed to be growling? Was I supposed to have an empty stomach or have not eaten for 7 hours to ensure I was only eating when I needed food? The best and worst thing about the internet is the accessible information. I learned a ton about weight loss and eating but I also realized that the stuff I am reading can be taken with a grain of salt. Everyone is different. For myself, I was working and tallying AT LEAST 15K steps a shift. For someone trying to lose weight and already in a caloric deficit, you need to replenish yourself.

I skipped meals at the start. I am upset admitting it but it’s what happened. It wasn’t by choice, I was naive about the entire process. Even if I had 1000 calories remaining for dinner and snacks, I would just snack on fruits/veggies and create the largest deficit possible.

I wasn’t providing my body with the proper nutrition to lose weight safely. This often meant that I would binge eat (2 Footlong Subway Sandwiches) after work or engage in overeating. To me, being hungry meant that I needed food and my body was craving it. Yes, I am fucking stupid. I understand that. However, I did a lot of this by myself. I never went to a nutritionist or coach to help with eating habits. I was calculating everything with a pen and paper and trying to go from there.

I remember having a breakdown because the scale went up. It went from 311 to 315 in two weeks. My solution was to skip meals and not eat any calories. I remember eating breakfast then skipping lunch and dinner. That is unsafe. There were 2–3 days where I had to force myself to eat and even then I was not eating a lot. I ate a meal and then 30 minutes later went to the bathroom to throw up because I believed that eating more food equaled more calories, which is then turned into a higher number on the scale. I was prepared to starve myself to lose weight. Keep in mind, at this point I had already lost 40 pounds, so I was on the right track — but that mental fog stymied progress and was a rough stretch to break out of. It was one of the scariest times because I was desperate to lose weight and I was doing so in an unsafe way. The scale defined my life. I was checking it daily to see it fluctuate and if the number rose I broke down and hated myself. I didn’t want to ingest any food or drinks because I knew that anything I ate meant the number going up on the scale.

I have learned that a scale is a tool and nothing more. It’s all about the journey and the progress that you make. Trusting the process and my calculations were tough because I craved that satisfaction. Seeing that number go down on the scale was addicting. And at the peak of my unsafe practices, I was doing anything I could to make it lower, whether it was skipping meals, eating less or throwing up anything I ate. I know that’s raw but it’s true. This is why I preach now that a scale is a tool and the goal is to eat as much as possible and still lose weight. It’s not about starving yourself. Food is legitimately your best friend and is a great partner for losing weight.

At the start of my weight loss journey, I was eating 1500 calories. That is painstakingly low. As a morbidly obese person, I could have eaten 3000 calories and lost weight. Again, I read that eating 1500 calories was guaranteed weight loss for my size. It was, but it wasn’t safe. This was before I knew to calculate my TDEE and find a correct number to lose weight and still consume enough calories for my daily activities.

This is controversial, but the best part of being obese and attempting to lose weight was that I could eat a ton and still lose weight. Looking back now, I could eat 2500 calories and be in a deficit. Now I am eating around 2000 calories to lose weight. As a person that had a horrible diet, small changes meant I could lose weight and still eat relatively dirty (although I don’t recommend it). Now that I have lost 105lbs, I am more mindful because the margins are slim. But with my job, I burn off any excess calories, which definitely helps. I also workout 5 times a week so I am not living a sedentary lifestyle by any stretch. But there is still that mental block in my mind where I NEED to check calories before eating. I can’t go to a restaurant and order what I want. Instead, I substitute for something lower-calorie that will fit into my goals. Now, that’s fine, but it’s also okay to breathe and enjoy a meal once in a while. My thought process is that I have eaten junk my entire life. Having a meal at dinner that is 500 calories compared to 1000 (even though I wanted that bacon cheeseburger) still controls my life, although I am better at it.

The next hurdle I need to overcome is eating a ‘terrible’ meal and not hating myself for it. I have become too defined by what I am tracking and logging that if I have a satisfying meal from a fast food joint, in the back of my mind I know that it has hindered progress. For the most part, I am mentally strong in that I know I can eat a slice of pizza or consume alcoholic drinks, but there is still that voice that says to me I should skip it and eat a healthier alternative. I need to learn to eat healthily and not push away satisfying foods because I am building eating habits for life. And I don’t think I can eat healthy 100% of the time. I need to reiterate that eating that late-night slice after hours is a part of life, just don’t make it a habit.

In a way, I share all of this because I want everyone to know that they are not alone and that weight loss isn’t easy. The physical challenges are as difficult as the mental hurdles that you need to overcome. I have never opened up about my weight loss journey like this before. It’s mostly been me trying to help and show the bright side of losing weight. But for those that have gone through what I have, we all know that it’s difficult and that there are constant battles we are dealing with to lose weight.

I also feel a ton of pressure because I post my progress online to help people. I want them to know they are not alone but in a way, I have hurt myself because I believe that if I don’t lose weight then I am letting people down. I have talked about weight loss and I think I have helped people. But I feel significant pressure to succeed. For those that reached out and told me about how I inspired them to lose weight, it legitimately brought tears to my eyes. I never knew at the start of all this that I would influence others to begin their own journey. In doing so I received so much support that it became overwhelming because if I didn’t succeed I was letting everyone down.

This will be the end of my blogs until 2022. I need to take a social media break in regards to posting about losing weight. I appreciate the support, I really do, but mentally it is tiring because I feel as if I can’t let anyone down. For now, I need to make moves in silence and progress at my own pace. I have received text messages about my progress and how they look forward to seeing how much weight I lost every time I tweet about it. It’s all love and support but it also makes me feel that if I mess up I am a failure.

Thank you to everyone who has read my blogs in the past. This was me being real about the mental effects of weight loss and the exhaustion that comes with it. I feel like sharing my ups and downs with the world (or few readers that have read this) has helped them lose weight in silence but put me in a spotlight. I know I created that and made it all about me, but I think it’s fine to step back and breathe for a sec. The last 2 years have basically been dedicated to losing weight. I am exhausted and need a break from posting and feeling the satisfaction from likes on Twitter. I could have done this without posting, but I wanted those that have supported me to know that I still appreciate them, I just need to focus on myself without posting progress (good or bad) online.

I hope to blog soon but for now I want to lose weight behind closed doors. As always, you can reach out to me on Twitter @Patrick_Trudeau if you’d like to chat!

Take care and see you all in 2022! I love you all and I thank you all for the support.